Make Yourself

xxpullmyhair @ 2008-02-08T01:55:00

2008-02-08T06:56:36Z

i just don't know anymore.

i want out.

of this whole entire life.

i forfeit.

My Girlfriend's One year Present to me... I Love her so much.

2007-10-29T13:57:22Z

October 20^th, 2007

One year.

Twelve months.

Fifty-two weeks.

Three hundred and sixty-five days.

Eight thousand-seven hundred and sixty hours.

Five-hundred-twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes.

Thirty one million, five-thousand and thirty-six seconds.

That’s how long we’ve been together. We’ve shared all of that time, and filled it with love.

That means a lot to me. You’ve been patient with me, teaching me and helping me all along the way. We’ve experienced a lot together ( and sat on the couch bored a lot together ). We’ve grown together (and regressed to childish fights and laughing fits together). We’ve accomplished a lot, and im looking forward to doing so much more with you.

You are my everything, even though you say that I am my everything. You are as big a part of me as my heart or lungs. ( or my vagina ;) ) . I need you, I literally can’t breathe without you. I cant focus without you, I would just kind of suck at living without you. Even that one day that we were apart, I felt like half my soul had been ripped away. I love you more than I think even I can comprehend. I hope you can see how much I care about you.

I know that sometimes I don’t show it. I go into space-cadet mode, I get bitchy (A.K.A attitude whore), or I take you for granted and act inconsiderate or thoughtless(forgetting to give you the flowers I got you, and then sulking like I hurt my own feelings or something). I don’t enjoy that I do those kinds of things. Whenever something like that happens, and you bring it to my attention, I feel extremely guilty, but I just get angry and defensive because im not doing my job correctly. ( just like I get pissed at work when you point out my inbox is full) . Im sorry for that. I really do appreciate that you point those things out, because without you correcting me, I wouldn’t be able to fix them. You help me to become the best person I can be. Thank you. So much.

I appreciate you. I love you. I don’t want to take you for granted, because every day that you’re with me is like a gift that I should, and do, cherish.

I love you baby. Don’t ever forget.

So here’s to sixty-three-million, seventy-two-thousand seconds.

One million, fifty-one-thousand, two hundred minutes.

Seventeen-thousand, five-hundred and twenty hours.

Seven hundred and thirty days.

One hundred and four weeks.

Fourteen months.

Two years.

October 20^th, 2008.

I’m looking forward to it.

FINALLY

2007-10-29T13:49:24Z

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-10-23T08:52:00

2007-10-23T12:52:25Z

the weekend was wonderful. we didn't get to go on the balloon ride tho... : ( the weather was bad. but pics of everything else will be up soon!

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-10-15T14:26:00

2007-10-15T18:30:03Z

So its all set up!

Check in at the Thurston House is 4pm-7pm on Friday which is good because we get out of work at 3pm that day!

The website says its the most romantic room they have there. I think it looks great. I love the blue. And the whole reason we even picked it was because of the claw foot tub :-p

Then on Saturday morning we have to get up at 5:30am and drive 40 mins to meet Bob Carlton at a McDonald's off of I-4 by 6:15am

And then we have reservations at the Citrus Resturaunt at 7pm where I'm sure we'll both order the wood grilled 8oz. Filet Mignon with fresh vegetables, fennel whipped potatoes, and garlic & herb butter.

It's none of your business what we do after dinner ;-)

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-10-09T12:07:00

2007-10-09T16:10:51Z

so, this dr. farrell thing is really starting to bother me.

i've been going up there every other saturday to do group and an individual session. i have to drive an hour and a half each way.

well i've been a late everytime.
the first time i was only a few minutes late.
the second time i was so late that she had to bump it up to the next hour.
this last time i totally missed it.

but in my defense, EVERYTIME i have been late or this last time when i was going to miss it i have called WELL in advance.

its not like my appointment was for 5 and I called at 5:15 to tell her I was going to be late or couldn't make it. it was more like my appointment was at 5 I didn't get to leaving til about 3:45 and called her at about 4.

well the last time I called her about 4:00-4:15 to let her know I wasn't going to make it and I'd just see her at group. i mentioned on the message that i wanted to reschedule maybe for the next day or something.

well i got to group and i apoligized to her and she said not to worry about it but nothing else really. after group was done she gave me and Nupie packets to fill out.

well i waited a while to see if she was going to email me or something to set up another appointment. nothing. finally after about a week and a half, maybe even two weeks i wrote her an email, apologizing again and then asking when would be a good time to set up another appointment.

i recieved and email from her the next day about the topic for group. nothing about an appointment. then the day after that i got another email which was the same as last time, but with a footnote added.

i wrote the email to her on the 2nd. its been a week today and still no response.

i don't really know what to do now. i've already had a couple sessions with her. everyone in group seems to like her. she writes letters.

ugh. this really fucking blows.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-10-03T09:01:00

2007-10-03T13:03:38Z

baltimore was good. d.c. was okay. would have been better if we didn't have to be out there for 12 hours straight. every resturaunt we went to the whole trip sucked. it was good getting away.

uhm thats about it.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-27T10:07:00

2007-09-27T14:08:29Z

so we're off to Baltimore. hope new kitty riley will be okay without our love and attention. there will be plenty of people here....... but still, no one will love her like we will.... : (

so anyway.

yeah. off to baltimore. see ya!

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-26T15:19:00

2007-09-26T19:21:23Z

so i'm getting another kitty to add to my collection tonight. :o)

but everyone keep in mind, momma is having kittens this week... so in about 8 weeks or so i'll have a buncha little lovers running around needing a home.... if you want one, hit me up.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-25T16:30:00

2007-09-25T20:31:21Z

i am starting to accept that fact that i really might have bi-polar disorder.

it sucks.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-18T17:05:00

2007-09-18T21:05:21Z

i long for Blowing Rock, NC. I NEED IT!

bah.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-17T08:44:00

2007-09-17T12:44:30Z

oh yeah i forgot.

me and nupie are saving up money so we can go on a balloon ride for our 1 year anniversary.

thats going to be wonderful <3

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-17T08:41:00

2007-09-17T12:42:36Z

okay so jared got out like he was supposed to. everything went according to plan. no house arrest, no probation, nothing. i'm glad all that shit is over with... now its getting him a job.......................................................................

not much else is really going on.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-12T16:03:00

2007-09-12T20:09:06Z

i am so upset right now.

jared was looking at some serious prison time. he called me, i went and picked him up from the courthouse before they could put him in cuffs and take him away. we didn't know what to do. we knew he couldn't run for that long, especially with a kid on the way.

nupie's dad agreed to represent him. jared went back said he was obtaining counsel and they continued the case.

that next court date he went and ashley went too. they revoked his bond. he got thrown in jail.

he's been sitting there for 3 months.

he scores for 28 months prison time. we're trying to work around that.

after that first court date he was told that he would be out the next month. when that court date came around ashley said that he had it all worked out but the prosecuter up and left so the deal was null and void and he'd have to make a new deal with the new prosecuter.

well that was a lie. because i read a letter to the new prosecuter naming each case and the deal we had worked out. all those cases were worked out exactly the same way. when the letter got to jared's name ashley said they hadn't had that worked out yet and to just continue it.

so thats another month. this time we were all promised that he would get out tomorrow free and clear. no probation. no house arrest. no nothing. well. here it is today the 12. jared's court date tomorrow.

i just typed up a letter to the prosecuter. it said "hey i forgot to talk to you about jared hoffman's case when we were in that meeting this week. i think he should be reinstated on house arrest, what do you think?"

it is 4:00 pm the day before his court date.

i have a feeling hes not coming home tomorrow.

oh man i'm so angry.

so this is how it went....

2007-09-11T12:52:08Z

okay. so it turns out that this isn't working so well. this is my formal request for you to find somewhere else to go.

it turns out having you live here has been more of a burden than a help. not because of anything you have done intentionally. it just turned out that way.

first of all, this is not half your house. it is mine. my name is on the lease, i have sole responsibility of this place. when it comes down to it, what i say goes. and you only paid half of everything one month by the way.... anyway, i can not live my life with someone else constantly undermining my authority in my own house. i will not accept that.

you told me first coming into this that you were a tidy person. that has proved true.... in your own room. in the rest of the house however you have not shown any signs of that, ever. this cannot be half your house if you do not treat it like your house. and if this is how you treat your houses (which its not because i've been to your houses) then thats fine, but i will not have it here.

another thing that has caused problems is you not ever buying anything for the house. i get all the garbage bags, all the paper towels all the cleaning supplies all the food all the drink. nupie even buys cat food and litter that your cat uses! you brought one bag of cat food with you when moving here, never bought a bag again. you only bought litter once when nupie asked you to. and you never clean the litter pan out. it seems that you expected a free ride (minus having to pay rent), i'm sorry to burst your bubble, but its not happening.

i also will not have people fucked up at all times of the day and night coming here and staying here. i do not get fucked up. i do not want it around me. i am not 16, nor do i act like it. i have a job, bills to pay, responsibilties and obligations. i take care of mine. i don't get fucked up and party with my friends all night and ditch work. thats not how i roll. i don't see why anyone above the age of 20 would do that either. but this is your life, use it as you may. but not here.

i told ian he could stay here for one month on Friday September 7. So I expect you both to have found somewhere else to go by October 7.

i keep going back to something my mom told me when i started living on my own... "the quickest way to ruin a friendship with someone is to live with them." this has proven true on many occasions. i hope it doesn't have to on this one.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-07T14:08:00

2007-09-07T18:10:32Z

the money situation all worked out. i'm not sure if it was real or fake. but the safe at 7-11 took it. so i'm straight.

i got another job today. i'm gonna be working at dialamerica part time now.

monday-thursday 5:30-10:00 and saturday 9:30-2:30

i'm going to be working 60 something hours a week.

13 and a half hour days.

yay for me.......................

but i'll only do it long enuff to get my financial situation back up to par.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-06T10:55:00

2007-09-06T14:55:52Z

by the way, possesion or manufacturing of counterfeit U.S. currency is punishable by up to 15 years.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-06T09:55:00

2007-09-06T14:53:52Z

so shiney gave me a counterfiet $100 bill for rent.

i don't want to say that he did it on purpose. but when i brought it up he got really defensive and swore the bank gave it to him. since he said the bank gave it to him that tells me flat out 100% hes lying. plus after he said the bank gave it to him heather was like "well if they give you shit for it just tell them that shiney gave it to you and they'll come talk to him. shiney got really wide eyed and nervous (cuz he knows its fake). and i said "no, i don't want to get anyone in trouble here."

the second i looked at the bill i knew it was fake. i mean don't get me wrong, it looks pretty real.

but the texture is that of regular paper. its much thicker but at the same time thinner than a real bill. i actually had a real $100 bill to compare it to. i crumpled them each in each one of my hands at the same time. nope. not similar at all.

and not to mention is was in nearly mint condition... but its a series 1988.

i ripped a little part of it. and i ripped a little part of the real one. they're completely different feeling. different textures. different everything. completely different material.

i don't know what the fuck to do. i have just been ripped off $100 in rent money.

i spoke to my mom, francine (the paralegal at the office) and nupie about it. i'm gonna talk to mr brown about it too. and i might end up showing them all just so i have witnesses.

then i'm going to have val check it with one of those pen things at 7-11. if i am correct and it is counterfeit i'm going to confront shiney about it one more time. ask for a real $100. if he refuses, i will go to the police. period. i will have 5 witnesses on my side saying i am not lying.

this shit isn't gonna fly.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-09-05T10:31:00

2007-09-05T14:34:28Z

i'm getting really sick of my living situation.

last night i made chicken and noodles. the chicken was awesome. the noodles kinda sucked. i cooked them on too high so they stuck all grossly to the bottom of the pot. and of course with all the olive oil and butter i used on the chicken that left some pretty nasty stuff on the pan. know what i did? i left it.

i didn't clean that shit up.

its still sitting there. until SOMEONE ELSE cleans it.

apparently that is the house rule. leave your shit lying around until someone else picks it up.

i can play that way if thats how everyone wants to play.

jared should be out in a week and a day. hes not gonna be happy with whats been going on around there. he said himself. we'll see. if he's willing to get a job and pay the bills they are more than welcome to have that room back.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-08-28T08:50:00

2007-08-28T12:56:12Z

so i have about $300 or so in my savings account again. which i'm happy about. i hate not having money in my savings. it makes me feel idle. me and nupie were actually talking about it yesterday. when i'm not saving money i'm not really doing anything. i'm just living paycheck to paycheck. i mean i'm working and making money. but its not going anywhere. i'm not going anywhere. but when i'm saving, when i'm building up money in my savings account then i'm going somewhere. i mean it might look like i'm doing the same thing as when i'm living paycheck to paycheck, but i'm not. when i'm saving i'm building a future. when i'm living paycheck to paycheck i'm not doing anything but living. there is no greater good. theres just this. soooooooo i'm very glad to see my savings account growing. i think it has to do with the fact that my roommates are giving me rent money and i don't have to carry the burden (almost) completely alone. so yeah. good stuff.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-08-24T13:15:00

2007-08-24T17:23:04Z

so i'm starting to realize, i'm depressed.

i rarely smile. i'm rarely excited. i don't really enjoy doing anything.

don't get me wrong tho, i'm not sad. not at all. i don't hate myself or want to die.

but i am very depressed. like i said i don't enjoy doing anything. even when i'm happy i'm not really happy.

i know i've been diagnosed with major depression but i guess i never really thought about it because i can now function. i can get out of bed now. i don't have to be fucked up the whole time i'm awake. i can go to work and fulfill my obligations now.

but i realized last night that doesn't mean i'm not depressed anymore. that just means i deal with it better. i cope with it.

i accept it.

just because i'm not sad doesn't mean i am happy.

ugh idk. gay.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-08-21T10:26:00

2007-08-21T14:29:58Z

so my binder came in the mail yesterday. i was pretty excited. it works wonders compared to what i have before i put it on. crazy change. it hurts like hell tho. i don't really notice how much it hurts until i take it off. and then i don't realized how much it still hurts until i put it back on. idk. its hard to describe.

i'm going to start putting it on everyday when i get home for 30 mins at a time... then eventually an hour... and two... so on and so forth.

my pilionidal cyst is coming back. omfg. i'm dreading this so much. sometimes when i just think about it coming back i want to cry. but it definitely is arising. catie is going to get me some antibiotics to take and i'm going to shower religiously everyday (if you know me, you know how crazy that is!). i really don't want this motherfucker to pop back up.

the pain is unbearable. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-08-20T16:36:00

2007-08-20T20:40:00Z

So I went and saw Dr. Farrell Saturday. At first I felt like she was somewhat judgemental. But as time went on I realized she wasn't. She was actually pretty cool and I liked her a lot. It was good stuff. Not too much of anything since its still the "getting to know eachother stage." But its good. My next appointment with her is Sept. 1st at 5:30. She made it so late because theres a group for FTMs and their partners that night. I'm excited. Next appt. I have to bring her pictures of me growing up and get all the info I can from my mom about her pregnancy.

In other news, today is me and Nupie's us day #10. Wooo. We're going to dinner and junk. I love her so very much.

Thats that.

Peace.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-08-16T08:49:00

2007-08-16T13:40:04Z

so i did orientation for the Big Brothers Big Sisters thing last night. it was cool. like 2 hours long. they got all of our fingerprints and then went over some stuff with us, gave us some packets. basic do's and don'ts. good ideas, bad ideas. communication skills. bonding. so on and so forth. everyone there was well over 30. i was definitely the youngest person. i was really nervous at first because they were all older and i'm this 20 year old walking in with tons of tattoos and shit. but they ended up liking me. one of the ladies actually told me that it was absolutely wonderful that i was there and wanting to do this because i could relate better to the kids and what not.

i'm pretty excited about that. I have an interview on Tuesday at 6:00pm. based on my interests and what not that they gather from the interview they'll figure out someone to place me with.

at the end of orientation they told us that 100 or so kids are in the hernando/citrus area enrolled in the Big Brother Big Sister program and there were only 7 of us bigs! so come on guys, be a part of something.

you only see the kid when YOU can. twice a month, once a month. more if you want! its up to YOU.

684-7904 call it nigger.

in other news. i told most of my main friends about the fact that i am a man, and hopefully will be soon. they were all actually kind of excited for me and pretty interested. thats a good thing. i'm glad. i really didn't expect anything else, they're all open minded cool kids.

i see Dr. Farrell on saturday. i'm nervous/excited. i really just can't wait. it feels like i've been waiting for ever! MY WHOLE LIFE. lol. its true. but yeah. usually you have to have at least 3 months of therapy with a therapist/doctor that deals with GID/transgendered individuals. after that 3 months they can write a letter of recommendation to an endocrinologist or whatever who will perscibe testosterone and check my levels and what not. and there ya go. after that is usually getting these huge horrible boobs chopped off. and there ya go. theres a lot more to it, lol but thats just a run down.

i was talking to nupie about it yesterday and for a long time now i've been like, "well i don't know if i wanna do it, i don't know if i wanna go thru with it." because its going to have a major effect on my entire life. every relationship i have is going to change. with my friends, my family, my girlfriend, my employer, my co-workers. but yesterday i told nupie i'm definitely doing it. period.

i could go over it over and over and over again in my head weighing the pros and cons. i can think it thru and over analyze it til i turn grey and die. but the fact of the matter is, i'm tired of weighing it, i'm tired of thinking it thru. and i don't want to die unhappy! i'm going on my gut. i'm doing it. i want this more than anything in my entire life. i've always wanted it since i was 5 years old playing the male roles in every imagination game with my friends. i've always wanted it since i could remember being capable of clear thought. i've always wanted it after watching every romance movie. i've wanted it forever and i always will.

i look at myself in the mirror and i really just see myself as a weird boy. i look at my face, i'm a male. people tell me i'm pretty, i don't understand. if anything i'm handsome.

right now i'm at the stage in my life where i'm maturing into an adult. in the "rite of passage" sense i'm "becoming a man." at least thats the way i look at it. and i've dealt with these feelings of being put in the wrong body my whole life. the key word here is DEALT. now that i'm "becoming a man" in the rite of passage sense, i need to be a man more than ever before. i found that interesting. but its true. i've always been this way, i've always worn boy's clothes and got boy's haircuts and played and hung out with the guys. been one of the guys. dated chicks. and it was okay. it was comfortable. the more i grew up the more i realized what those feelings meant. now that i am pretty much grown i can't see living out the rest of my life this unhappy with myself. this uncomfortable with what i've been giving. its ridiculous. i know there are nights were i have wished so hard with my eyes shut so tight that i would wake up a boy. i know that i have things i shouldn't, and i don't have things i should. its not something caused by a traumatic event. all the traumatic events happened AFTER i wished to be a boy, AFTER i played boy parts in imagination games, AFTER i screamed and cried and kicked to not wear a dress. this is just me. take it as you will. but its just me.

and sooner than later i will be me. i will be complete. i will have piece of mind. i will be happy.

xxpullmyhair @ 2007-08-12T12:31:00

2007-08-12T16:41:07Z

I'm Getting A Tattoo Today.

Wooo.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Tibetan Buddhists believe that saying the mantra (prayer), Om Mani Padme Hum, out loud or silently to oneself, invokes the powerful benevolent attention and blessings of Chenrezig, the embodiment of compassion. Viewing the written form of the mantra is said to have the same effect -- it is often carved into stones and placed where people can see them.

It is said that all the teachings of the Buddha are contained in this mantra: Om Mani Padme Hum.

Its true translation is, Hail The Jewel Of The Lotus.

Syllable	Six Paramitas	Purifies	Samsaric realm	Colors	Symbol of the Deity	(Wish them) To be born in
Om	Meditation / Bliss	Pride	Devas	White	Wisdom	Perfect Realm of Potala
Ma	Patience	Jealousy / Lust for entertainment	Asuras	Green	Compassion	Perfect Realm of Potala
Ni	Discipline	Passion / desire	Humans	Yellow	Body, speech, mind quality and activity	Dewachen
Pad	Wisdom	Stupidity / prejudice	Animals	Blue	Equanimity	in presence of Protector (Chenrezig)
Me	Generosity	Poverty / possessiveness	Pretas (hungry ghosts)	Red	Bliss	Perfect Realm of Potala
Hum	Diligence	Aggression / hatred	Naraka	Black	Quality of Compassion	in presence of the Lotus Throne (of Chenrezig)